Trying to work with Myself

My friend told me that I am “intense” then weeks later felt the need to come and share with me what she means…determined, passionate about what I believe and do, driven…

Lately I feel very much this way as I stretch to reach my goals. Part of the problem is focus and what to focus on first. Unfortunately I would be your classic adhd and although it is wonderful having boundless energy it is tiring to use that energy to start 25 projects and finish them PERFECT as I also am a perfectionist! I used to be a great starter and a poor finisher but have gotten past that- I finish what I start so finishing 25 “the most important” projects consumes a lot of time and energy!

I do believe others can do it as well as I do but their passion isn’t the same so I need to learn how to start a fire under them without feeling that I am “putting them out”. There is another struggle I have- not wanting to impose.

*sigh*

Sometimes not caring would be so much easier because people who really don’t care don’t even realize that they don’t…

Working through it all…

Sometimes I just sit and think. Today I actually vocalized how I am feeling. It isn’t good. I told Cindy all my fears. I have had no peace of mind for a very long time. I wonder why?

For a long time I wrote in an online journal and enjoyed the outlet. Recently that has even seemed void and empty. I don’t feel a connection with people in the communities that I write in. Things haven’t been the same since the drama of a few weeks ago…something changed. I guess I am going through a stage?

I have a lot on my plate. Recently I heard from the real estate agency that is considering putting my daycare building on a vacant property that they manage.

It is all good. Once I find out how much they are going to charge me for the lease agreement I can move ahead with my business venture.

I don’t know though. I am doubting myself and my ability to run a business. I am not doubting the viability of the business nor am I doubting my childcare skills. It is my head for business that I am concerned with. I have a weakness in my character. I cannot charge a fair market value for services offered- I undercharge. Undercharging is to my detriment. I am a woman of my word. If I tell you that I am guaranteeing you work until Christmas then I do what I say I will do even if I have lost children. I have too. Unfortunately one of my moms received her lay off notice so she has taken the children out except for two full days a week to hold an opening for them for after Christmas. She will draw unemployment and be at home for the next several weeks. She deserves this timeout.

Another family has suffered a relationship breakup. The mom is managing without childcare utilizing family and friends to look after her child when necessary. It isn’t the best scenario but it is her choice. I have offered to look out for her daughter at no cost to her the days that she cannot get the help of family. This tallies up to a loss of $160/week. If that loss was between the three of us it wouldn’t be such a financial loss but it comes off of my weekly wage- once again! I have been here before- it is the ever changing face of childcare.

Christmas is coming…my two older children and grandchildren are far away and have no intention of coming this way. Our youngest son and his girlfriend will be around. He is doing great- being off of all drugs for a couple of months now. I don’t know though- I just wish that families could get along as mine are not at the moment. How fair is this??

I have been hurt and a lot. I don’t feel I can nurse that hurt and be a whole person yet I cannot get past the fact that people who say they love you think that gives them a license to say and do what they please. After all Lou will forgive and forget and be the bigger person through it all…right? After all Lou has made mistakes in the past and we shall keep a long account…right?

Maybe I need a tall handsome therapist…spose?

Just Stopping by…

First…thanks for those who drop me an email when concerned as I haven’t posted! You know who you are…:-)! I like communication although I don’t always return in like matter…

I find life exceptionally busy this fall and my head is full with too many thoughts racing around to be able to formulate much of a post.

Good news though…I got the lease agreement for the building via email yesterday. It is tangible although there is a lot of work and thought still to go into this business proposition.

Here is hoping you are all well too!

My Lease Option

As I have thrown out several options over the past 3 plus years in regards to my lease options for my daycare building I am doing just what I hate to do- confusing you!

The building in question does not exist at the moment. The real estate company that owns the local mini home park has a commercial property that originally housed a store. The store was a large mini home which was redone and moved into the park. The lot is spacious with a paved access. The location is near the new extension from the city and central to both communities.

I approached the local company that still builds and sells the mini homes to the park but sold the park itself to a major Real estate company based out of Toronto, Ontario. I discussed with their accountant leasing that property and he suggested that I approach the real estate company to put a mulipurpose building there to be used for my daycare during work day hours. The park would use it evenings and weekends for a community centre. I heard nothing from them since July 03 and three weeks ago discovered that they had been working on a lease with their lawyer. I was to have the lease four weeks ago on Friday. I heard nothing until two weeks ago when I received a letter stating the lease would be sent to me via email on the following day. Nothing…so I sent them a letter on Thursday urging them to please let me know their intent.

The building is big, and brand new- a prefab home but built to my specs to accomodate both my daycare and their community centre…hence the reason I have been vague about the exact plans. Wonderful IF it all works out!

Living the Life of Indecision

Not knowing is worse than having it laid out on the table. I have heard nothing for two weeks in regards to my daycare lease agreement. I cannot understand how you cannot take a moment and even send a small update to someone. It could be as simple as “still working on things- will get to you asap”. That would satisfy the “how comes” and “what ifs” quite nicely.

It plays a major part in my thought process and the reason I cannot even formulate a post. Is this understandable?

Sometimes I feel like a psycho pathological liar. I tell people I have a building and it falls through! Time…and time again! I keep my friends, acquaintances and family on a roller coaster as I face the ups and downs of procuring my building to house my blossoming business.

On another note: Both the US and Canadian airwaves are fear mongering us re: H1N1 virus and as to whether we should get that shot. After reading, discussing and praying about it I determined that I am not comfortable getting it. I dunno…both my co workers are not comfortable that we have several children who are being inoculated and they on their own have decided that they don’t want to get it. SOOO…yesterday a mom called and pressured me to have it done. It was offered to health care professionals first then school children. BUT a mistake was made and if you showed up to the medical clinic they were giving the H1N1 flu shot to whoever. It is free with the presentation of a medical card. The next offering will be in December.

The parent told me last night “I want you to go now and get that shot. I am not comfortable with you working with my children if you don’t have it…”

I am not in the high risk category…this is really not fair do you think?

Taking a Wee Break

I am taking a hiatus from the computer- will just pop on and off and check out my facebook messages. Life is overwhelming at the moment…

I am busy with lots of extras, my daycare business and home at the moment. Most of my friends need some extra TLC.

Things are good with my son- he is totally drug free and has been for several weeks. His last breach of probation was thrown out of court so he will be off of probation in early December. He broke his foot playing floor hockey with Toni’s children when they were here and worked last week with an air cast anyway!

Hubby is struggling with lots at the moment and being his confident and encouragement I need to just “be there” for him.

I heard nothing from the lawyer on either the Friday or the following Wednesday so know no more about my lease agreement yet.

R. is out of detox, her boyfriend is in jail awaiting a bail hearing but it looks like he may be there for awhile as the courts sort through the several charges. She has been to see me twice and is definitely doing ok at the moment. I say that tentatively as we have been here before. I am not a fool.

It is cold here already- dark and brooding- I do not look forward to another long winter!

If anyone here would like to contact me please just send an email…:-)

I leave you with the Irish blessing-

“May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.”

Smile!!!

A few years ago while we visited Toni we were introduced to a friend of theirs. He was very arrogant and condescending, knowing more about the area that we lived in than we did! Being further south than we are his remarks were “oh yeah…they don’t grow tomatoes past Vermont now do they?” and so on…my father in law here in Eastern Canada grows the nicest tomatoes of anyone that I know!

So we told him about our dog, Bogey and informed him that he was a Chesapeake Bay retriever/lab mix. He then gave an exposition of these dogs. Wearied with his attitude my husband told him that the dog had special teeth. They were designed to retrieve ducks without tearing them apart. He showed the guy the pic and the fella went on to say “oh yeah- I KNEW THAT!!’

The dog has a pair of false teeth in…hehehe!

Things are not always as they seem

People on the outside look in and figure all is rosy and bright but they do not live my life or face the struggles that I do. I don’t talk about it much as life is about choices and my choice has been to make a go of the life I chose a very long time ago.

God blessed me with three children and as is in any family there are schisms and sibling rivalry. None of them understand me or the why of what I do…but then how many of you do? I live my life unto others. Having grown up in a family with a volatile background influenced by alcoholism has implanted in me the desire to fight and work through things. I married young and stayed married. When I approached my mother to tell her my desire to marry so many years ago,  her words to me were “you chose him and NEVER come home whining about him to me.” In the 37 years of marriage I never did. I worked through the arguments, petty accusations and obstacles. I still am. Things are better but sometimes things are worse. For better and for worse…right?

My oldest child is a daughter of whom I have little to be embarrassed about, my middle son has sown his wild oats and still deals with the residue from them, and my youngest son is still maturing- many years late to do so. He has disrupted our family and brought much shame and angst to us. I love him unconditionally. At this moment in time he is in a good place. Court is the past and he will be over his probationary period in December. Except for occasionally drinking and smoking incessantly the drugs are past- even the pot.

Things transpired on the weekend and there was no Thanksgiving Dinner as planned. Today I will bake and clean and serve dinner to strangers as my family could not get along…my heart aches and weeps. All my life I have been in the middle of turmoil. All my life I have been the individual attempting to bring some semblance of normalcy to the family. I was in trouble because I told both of my children that I was ashamed of their actions and I was and I am. I am disappointed in life in general. I feel wrong in saying so as that means I may be disappointed in what God has given me. It isn’t His fault. It is that damnable sin nature that we have!

Some times- more often than I should- I want to cut my losses, take my cats- no, wait- they aren’t getting along so well lately- cut my losses and head to the hills. But I don’t like being lonely either. I was born to be around people. I am nice and kind  and have an amazing attitude- oh and did I say humble too?…not meant to be alone. I am too old to start over so once again I will pick up the pieces and try to put this puzzle back together. I hate puzzles- always have- it is the most boring of pasttimes. I don’t do boring. Nobody else will attempt to put this back together. They will stay in their corners and sulk…and sulk and sulk. I don’t sulk- I fight for what is mine. Happiness is mine. Joy is mine. I am a woman warrior in this 21 century who someday will conquer and have what is rightly mine- a family that loves each other unconditionally…

because even if it doesn’t happen here…Heaven has no more sin, no more tears and no more schisms…it will be my home forever. Not because of my damnable sin nature either but because I trust in what God has told me will be mine someday…

What’s in Your Shopping Cart?

I pushed my cart around the aisles, filling it with 50% markdowns- fruit, bread, pastries and meat. I perused the bread rack and hauled out a loaf of 100% whole grain. The “best before” date was still two days away. Two men around my age pushed their carts in tandem and discussed the price of groceries. I threw the loaf of bread in the basket and looked at the plastic tag on the hamburger buns replacing them on the shelf as the “best before” was for that day. The two men watched and asked if I knew the regular price of the bread I had purchased and I told them- $2.50. I then showed them how to check the “best before” date. They were both very appreciative as I instructed them.

Later I ran into them as they shopped in the frozen food section and they remarked that I was buying out the store! I finished my shopping and deposited my cheque in the bank machine. It is a good way to do it as you gain points for every dollar spent when using the PC bank card. I checked the flyer that sat beside the bank machine and noted that flakes of ham were on special. Ahhh…Toni is home and she loves flakes of ham! So I pushed my heavily ladened cart back to the potted meats aisle and there stood the two men, both of them with their carts full of cake, pastries, and other markdowns. I “wowed” and suggested it was them that was emptying the shelves.

The more forward of the two giggled and commented “we were just going to shop from your cart- save a lot of time.” “Hey-now! I am shopping for two households.” I sternly remarked. He looked at me and said “hmmm…yours and…MINE??” I shook my head and rolled my eyes. “NOOOO…I run a daycare!” “Hmm…how old do I have to be to come to YOUR daycare??” he smirked. I shook my head at them and said “well you need to be potty trained.” (not true but it sounded good…) So he said “well I am almost…can I please come?”I muttered as I chuckled “you guys are just bad!” The one I thought more quiet looked at me and grinned…”Well…we would LIKE TO be!” It reminded me of Raymond and Glen- the two teenage boys who followed me home from school every day when I had just turned 13 and my legs were so long they decided to rename me “moose” and whistle and giggle as I fumed all the way home. I thot they were making fun of me until they each on different occasions asked me if I may want to head into the bushes. They got about as far as the two guys at the grocery store. Boys will always be boys!

I walked away shaking my head. Not every day you get hit on in the grocery store…wait…I have had that happen there a few times. One day a guy followed me right to the checkout! Just before I paid he asked me outrightly if I was married! I guess our local groceteria stocks prospective brides? Only in Canada…

I Have a Crazy Busy Life

My days are action packed and really quite fulfilling.  I love my children and find such freshness each day as I meet the challenges of these little people.

I eat well and since cutting back on my caffeine am sleeping great. But…I need to somehow balance my work/ministry/home so there is “me” time. Unless you lived my life you really couldn’t understand could you?

Up at 5:30, packing lunches, doing laundry, planning meals for home and daycare…feeding pets, and answering emails…run LOU run! Out the door at 7, clearing the garbage, tidying Cindy’s, starting lunch and cutting up fruit, greeting parents and doing laundry…catch my breath- eat a piece of watermelon- grab a glass of water- empty the dishwasher and sit down a moment. Time for a cuppa green tea?

By 8:45 Kori is in the door and we plan the day. I do more talking as she is down to a grunt these days. Tired, anxious and gaining weight which makes her CRANKY! her landlord asked her yesterday if she was preggie!! He is not in her book of favorites at the moment.

Circle time and crafts…dancing with the kids…FUN! Preschool basics and emergent reading for my 3 and 4 yr. olds. Lunch is served- today we had Shepherds Pie, corn and  for dessert, banana splits, cleanup, diapers changed, laundry put in and then the beds are pulled out. I pop a movie in for the older children while the babies slumber. It is at this time that I can usually catch a few minutes of kicking back.

With Nara starting it doesn’t always happen as she still naps in the morning and the afternoon too but bypasses the time when the two year olds sleep. However she skipped her morning nap the last two days and did actually sleep when the others did. Nice! At 1:20 I take Jess and we go to School 1 where I drop her off to pick up Ashley while I head to School 2 and pick up Aiden and Gracie. We then pick up A. and head back to Cindy’s. Some days I go to the bus stop for 2:00 p.m. to pick up Taylor then back to the corner by Cindys to pick up Melodie at 2:05…*sigh*… it is now time to wakey wakey the kids, and in relays feed them their snack before heading outdoors to play. By 2:30 p.m. I am heading out the door to pick up Josh and arriving back just in time to get Konnor! Is this nuts or what??

I get home for supper anytime between 5-6 p.m. but try to make at least five of the seven big dinner meals a week. Dishes get cleared, floors swept and by then somebody usually needs a drive somewhere or there is something going on that I need to be at. Last night I lit my butt on the chair for dinner and Tim and Jess asked me to take them shopping. By the time we got home it was after 9 p.m. and I fell into bed shortly after 10.

Can I keep up the pace? I am not a spring chicken…

Bottom line…I need a building and a staff…I need a van and I need time off…or…

you

don’t want to hear the OR-

I am done…