Lou

Archive for November, 2009

Trying to work with Myself

My friend told me that I am “intense” then weeks later felt the need to come and share with me what she means…determined, passionate about what I believe and do, driven…

Lately I feel very much this way as I stretch to reach my goals. Part of the problem is focus and what to focus on first. Unfortunately I would be your classic adhd and although it is wonderful having boundless energy it is tiring to use that energy to start 25 projects and finish them PERFECT as I also am a perfectionist! I used to be a great starter and a poor finisher but have gotten past that- I finish what I start so finishing 25 “the most important” projects consumes a lot of time and energy!

I do believe others can do it as well as I do but their passion isn’t the same so I need to learn how to start a fire under them without feeling that I am “putting them out”. There is another struggle I have- not wanting to impose.

*sigh*

Sometimes not caring would be so much easier because people who really don’t care don’t even realize that they don’t…

Working through it all…

Sometimes I just sit and think. Today I actually vocalized how I am feeling. It isn’t good. I told Cindy all my fears. I have had no peace of mind for a very long time. I wonder why?

For a long time I wrote in an online journal and enjoyed the outlet. Recently that has even seemed void and empty. I don’t feel a connection with people in the communities that I write in. Things haven’t been the same since the drama of a few weeks ago…something changed. I guess I am going through a stage?

I have a lot on my plate. Recently I heard from the real estate agency that is considering putting my daycare building on a vacant property that they manage.

It is all good. Once I find out how much they are going to charge me for the lease agreement I can move ahead with my business venture.

I don’t know though. I am doubting myself and my ability to run a business. I am not doubting the viability of the business nor am I doubting my childcare skills. It is my head for business that I am concerned with. I have a weakness in my character. I cannot charge a fair market value for services offered- I undercharge. Undercharging is to my detriment. I am a woman of my word. If I tell you that I am guaranteeing you work until Christmas then I do what I say I will do even if I have lost children. I have too. Unfortunately one of my moms received her lay off notice so she has taken the children out except for two full days a week to hold an opening for them for after Christmas. She will draw unemployment and be at home for the next several weeks. She deserves this timeout.

Another family has suffered a relationship breakup. The mom is managing without childcare utilizing family and friends to look after her child when necessary. It isn’t the best scenario but it is her choice. I have offered to look out for her daughter at no cost to her the days that she cannot get the help of family. This tallies up to a loss of $160/week. If that loss was between the three of us it wouldn’t be such a financial loss but it comes off of my weekly wage- once again! I have been here before- it is the ever changing face of childcare.

Christmas is coming…my two older children and grandchildren are far away and have no intention of coming this way. Our youngest son and his girlfriend will be around. He is doing great- being off of all drugs for a couple of months now. I don’t know though- I just wish that families could get along as mine are not at the moment. How fair is this??

I have been hurt and a lot. I don’t feel I can nurse that hurt and be a whole person yet I cannot get past the fact that people who say they love you think that gives them a license to say and do what they please. After all Lou will forgive and forget and be the bigger person through it all…right? After all Lou has made mistakes in the past and we shall keep a long account…right?

Maybe I need a tall handsome therapist…spose?

Just Stopping by…

First…thanks for those who drop me an email when concerned as I haven’t posted! You know who you are…:-)! I like communication although I don’t always return in like matter…

I find life exceptionally busy this fall and my head is full with too many thoughts racing around to be able to formulate much of a post.

Good news though…I got the lease agreement for the building via email yesterday. It is tangible although there is a lot of work and thought still to go into this business proposition.

Here is hoping you are all well too!